The grinder, the dipper and the plaid in between

Ah, the pure joy that comes from people watching; from observing the male of the species try to win over the female…and from laughing your butt off as the entire episode unfolds. This is what an evening out at a club holds in store for the social scientist in me. Let me begin by stating that last night I went out with friends to help celebrate my brother’s birthday. We went to a club featuring country line dancing and karaoke.

Initial observations were:

1. 80% of the room wore plaid
2. 40% of the attendees were over the age of 55 (or at least looked it)
3. 10% of the men wore cowboy hats
4. 0% of the dancers smiled

Having taken in these facts, I was drawn to two distinct subjects for a further, more detailed study. The two men were clearly friends, had honed dance skills and were, by all accounts, very fine examples of the male form.

Subject A) The Grinder

Tall, fit and had the dance moves to make the ladies swoon. Add a great big black cowboy hat and The Grinder looked like he stepped right out of a romance novel. It was unclear if he’d come with a particular female, but it was apparent that he would be leaving with one. During a rare slow song about a pickup truck, a mourning brother, and a soldier’s death, The Grinder, well, ground against his female who in turn found the act appropriately respectful – for a slow, sad song about death.

Can I take a moment here? How could she keep a straight face? I would have started giggling so hard that I’d double over and likely start snorting. Nothing relays the deepest depths of despair like a good grind…

Subject B) The Dipper

The Grinder’s less able counterpart was The Dipper. The Dipper was again, fit and handsome though not to the extent of The Grinder. Whereas The Grinder honed in and devoted a large (though not exclusive) portion of his efforts on one woman, The Dipper spread a wider net – pulling women from the periphery of the dance floor. The Dipper never danced with the same woman twice and each encounter included his signature move: the dip, a thrilling and exciting maneuver that his partners apparently enjoyed though this was difficult to discern as, noted earlier, no one smiled whilst dancing.

Again, I would like to note that I would have burst out laughing. Have you ever been dipped? It’s kind of terrifying. Your body does not surrender its equilibrium easily. When you are returned to standing, you are light-headed, giddy and unnerved. Laughter is the natural reaction to such an unnatural move. Not one of The Dippers dance partners even cracked a smile.

Finally, it must be noted that both The Grinder and The Dipper clearly practice their courtship dances in the shared bachelor pad they inhabit. This deduction was derived by the Magic Mike-like performance they burst into when “Indian Outlaw” by Tim McGraw was played.

Conclusion: As ridiculous as their moves were, the entire excercise was successful. You could not help but watch and wonder…Oh, and clearly I have a hair-trigger when it comes to laughing. But really, how can you not laugh?

Heartbeats or heartbreaks?

As I’ve mentioned, last week I spent a lot of time people watching and wondering and realizing. I wondered why some men make clearly unwanted moves. Or why seemingly great guys are unreliable jerks. And how (some) absolute bastards end up being the most gentlemanly of all. Finally, I wondered why so many men choose the path of distant indifference instead of taking a heartfelt chance.

There have been a couple of articles on the death of chivalry and benevolent sexism; I even read about the current hook-up culture. All were interesting and had their useful points, but none really answered my basic question: What is the matter with men? Or, as a work colleague lamented (in a very funny tirade) “Where are the real men?”

But what is a realman? What qualities should he possess? What habits shouldn’t he possess? And what are the guilty pleasures in a man’s behaviour that you really shouldn’t like but can’t help but love?

This past year has been an education for me on what I want, what I need, and what I won’t deal with anymore. The whole thing has been eye-opening. I’ve gone from ‘2012 is the year of the hook-up’ to ‘2012/13 is the year for a sweet guy’. It has closed doors I’d propped open, waiting for that guy to get a clue and realize I’m the one. It has also pushed me to take chances I’d never have taken before with my heart and my pride.

I don’t have the answers yet, but I’d like your opinion…

What qualities does a true man possess? (For me he has to return texts/messages in a timely manner. I hate being left hanging especially when I rarely text/call in the first place.)

What are the most aggravating and stupid habits/qualities/personalities you’ve encountered? (My favorite is still the ex-farmer boy who thought telling me he was ‘horny as a three-legged billy goat’ was going to get him a green light.)

And, if given the opportunity, what wisdom would you like to pass onto men of what a woman needs to be happy? (Tell us we’re pretty or you miss us. So few men ever do.)

Guys, if you have input on us ladies I’m all ears too!

Your answers will help me out greatly. I’ll compile them in a couple of different lists so all input is welcome!

I think I’m being courted by a farmer…

…but I’m not really sure.

I mean, does courting still exist? Apparently it does and let me tell you it is a very slow process. I’ve dated farmers before, but I’ve never been courted by one. I thought that the normal, socially accepted dating progression went a little like this:

A) Meet, B) Flirty texting, C) Two or three dates, D) “Interpersonal” activities, E) Dinners at my place and Saturday nights at his.

This is the pattern dating has taken most of my adult life. Granted, when I lived in London there was more “consistently snogging the same guy while drunk” which (naturally) lead to “activities” and dinners. Courting has never played into my dating life and I don’t think it’s played a part in most modern couples either.

…Until now. I think that courting is the only word to describe what Mr. B and I are doing. I say “I think” because I’m afraid to spook him by directly asking. So, in lieu of being an absolute chicken, I’ve comfortably fallen back on my social scientist background – I’ve done research or, at least, I’ve looked up courtship on Wikipedia. The result was this:

…during courtship, a couple gets to know each other and decide if there will be an engagement or OTHER SUCH ARRANGEMENT. Gifts are exchanged…

Alright, with the exception of the whole engagement thing (which would make us both run) that seems to be what’s going on.

Gifts have been exchanged in the form of produce. (Hey, he’s a farmer.) Farm fresh produce grown with his own hands (and tractor and whatever) has been given to my family. My mother and I have then processed it (jams, pickles, frozen items) and Mr. B has been gifted with the products. I’ve mentioned before that, to my utter surprise, I find the whole “providing for me” aspect amazingly, primaly, hot. Independent, capable, feminist, self-supporting me can’t help but bow to the early ancestor within. And every time I think about it I smile.

And studies have shown that courtship is actually led by the woman. I can see that too. We’ve been in and out of each other’s lives for a number of years and now that he’s had time to readjust after a major break-up, I’ve decided to get the ball rolling. We seem to get to a certain point and I have to nudge that ball along again. I’ve always gotten us to the next level with a little poke or prod and he’s moved things along at a speed he’s comfortable with.

And thought the whole “getting to know each other” aspect has taken a lot longer than I thought it would and included some odd moments of interview-like questions, I can’t help but find it sweet. Sweet is the word I keep coming back to when I describe Mr. B, the fact that he gives me food, the questions he’s asked about my job and what I usually have for lunch, the way he always responds to a text even if it’s just to reply “OK” to something that didn’t actually need an answer. And sweet is what his offer was this weekend when I needed a place to escape and he invited me to his home/barn/work in progress (tractor sitting in his future living room and all).

According to the same Wikipedia entry…

“[A recent] phenomenon in British relationships has seen a growing number of couples express a desire for a courting stage. This has coincided with a growth in external influences on nascent relationships caused primarily by new social media. Thus, couples feel liberated to develop their bond without the pressure of outer agents. Studies of such relationships have shown this approach to be very successful in the medium to long-term…”

 

So, bring on the courtship. Say hello to the slow process of getting to know you. Be prepared for the odd question about your day, your tastes, your interests and views on relationships. Get ready for dinners with your family where he sits and talks tractor talk with your father and brother. Learn how to make jam and pickles…

And learn a little about yourself too. This whole slow process has made me step back and think about how very different Mr. B is to all the other men I’ve had flit in and out of my life. None has ever held me in such high regard, thought that I could conquer anything, been in awe of the life I’ve led or the odd humour I’ve gotten along the way. I’ve had to slow myself down too. I tend to be impulsive and jump into things regardless of what might happen. That approach hasn’t exactly worked out for me yet and in fact has been to my detriment more times than not. So, maybe slow is sweet too.