Returning to a defining truth and the stories that come later…

Sometimes I’m smarter than I realize. Below is a post from April 2011 called Stories. I’ve been getting pretty upset with a few individuals in my life but I haven’t actually been telling them why. Instead I’ve put silent quantifiers and tests on them, expecting them to just get it simply because they care. No one knows what makes us truly happy…and we’re the only ones who can do the job.

When I was a senior in high school, a defining truth was passed down to me by my most beloved English teacher, Mrs. Matthews. The truth was this: It is important to always be selfish, but never self-centered. Sounds a bit weird, doesn’t it? Like the opposite of everything we’ve ever been taught, right? But when explained the world opens up and the fog clears, letting sunshine and joy in.

To be self-centered is to only think about yourself and to have others work for only your ends. On one end it can mean that you consider something in your appearance, character, intelligence or talent superior to those around you. On another, it also means that you put an unspoken (or in some cases spoken) expectation on others to make you happy. In the end though, to be self-centered is that you think only of what you can get from others to please yourself.

We all have our moments of being self-centered and we all know individuals whose lives revolve around a heightened need to have others tell them how important they are, how beautiful, how loved and adored they are. It’s human nature to want re-affirmation from the outside world, but in the end it doesn’t matter what others think of us, it’s about what we think of ourselves as individuals that matters.

To be selfish is a very different thing indeed to being self-centered. To be selfish is to know what makes oneself happy and what doesn’t; it entails a level of self-awareness and understanding but also the gumption to go out and do it ourselves. Selfishness means relying solely upon ourselves to find happiness, love and accomplishment because we are the only ones who know how to make ourselves happy.

 Let me put it to you this way: if you leave it up to other people to do the “big” things, those important moments of joy or love, you’ll always be disappointed in one way or another. We’ve all pictured the ideal way a moment should play out, the way we’ll feel when someone else gives us exactly what we want, a moment of light; it rarely happens the way we picture it does it? Putting quantifiers on another person’s actions in relation to how important you are to them sets up failure and animosity both from you and from them. In these moments, a person is being self-centered.

But there’s another piece to the puzzle too, an essence that an individual can never fully relate to another person – only we hold that essence inside of us and therefore only we can make ourselves truly happy. And therefore even if an important person in your life plays their role in your ideal moment perfectly, there will still be something missing and the moment will be incomplete in some way. What I’m saying is that the people around you don’t know that they’ve just failed you, only you do.

So why put this destined-to-disappoint test of loyalty or love on them? Instead, realize that only you can make yourself happy in a way that will rarely disappoint. Make the dinner reservations at the romantic Moroccan restaurant you’ve wanted to go to for your 10^th anniversary instead of dropping hints and putting silent quantifiers on your husband’s ability listen and therefore his level of love and appreciation. As soon as you start to let go of these unspoken exams and begin to take happiness into your own hands, well, you start to see all the other ways people tell you how much they care, admire, respect and love you – everything you’ve wanted to know all along.

So that’s one truth, something that I’ve built my life around and have been richly rewarded by. But the other day I learned another. I was having lunch with a friend, catching up and swapping news. I told her how recently I’d gotten a very quick, very unexpected, very decisive brush-off from someone I’d been dating. It was like a hit and run with no explanation and no confrontation, it was just done. I’d been wracking my brain trying to figure out the why of it all and was quickly being driven crazy. It was then that my beloved friend said this: You don’t know his story.

What she meant was that I didn’t know if there’d been family pressure, an ex-girlfriend resurface, insecurity or fear about the feelings he (or I) was experiencing…and I never would, and that’s when it hit me – we are the only ones who know the way to bring happiness and we are the only ones who will know the entirety of our own stories. Even if you relay something in great detail to another person, the story will never be complete; there will always be something missing, something impossible to translate.

Just like happiness, there is an essence inside of us that only we can identify and understand. Is that essence the thing that makes us, us or could it be our soul? Deep questions, but let me get back to my point…

That one simple statement brought to me such clarity. Not only did the worry and hurt and angst over the break-up disappear, but so many other things that I carry with me every day began to lift away as well. There was a lot of forgiveness in that moment.

We all have a story that can never be fully told, you just have to accept and understand the bits that other people share about their lives and above all, always ensure that the overall story of your life is one of joy and love and (most importantly) personal acceptance.

I have a super power…

Really, it’s true. I’ve just discovered this particularly peculiar power and am, honestly, a little puzzled by it. I’m not exactly sure if it’s a super power that will lead to good or evil. My gut says the latter since it usually leaves a wake of destruction. My power can run havoc, destroy, spread fear and cause flight. What could cause so much harm? What power do I, a pretty unassuming, normal (yes, I know that’s up for debate) person have?

I am the keeper of questions. I have the undeniable ability to ask the one, perfectly benign question that manifests the deepest fears in a man and causes him to run in the opposite direction. Maybe question is the wrong word..request is probably more accurate.This power is wielded again and again, causing men to flee and a bewildered self standing behind wondering “What was wrong with that question/request?”

I bet you I could get a guy to run away just by asking for him to pass the salt. I have had a man run away when I asked for a ride on his motorcycle…or ride away as it were.

My male friends tell me that I should just ask out a passing guy who catches my fancy. What in my experience shows that this is a good idea? There are many examples I could site that would back-up my point but I am going to espouse on only one or two:

1. I once dated a boy, a farmer boy. It was spring and planting was about to get underway. This meant long days in a tractor and exhausted nights. It also meant that I would likely not see him for four to six weeks. We would, however, be speaking on the phone. During one of these conversations I first explained how I understood that our schedules were about to get complicated. I then made this request: “Since we won’t see much of each other for the next month or so do you think that you maybe could tell me every once-in-a-while that you miss me or think that I’m pretty?”

The response was not what I expected. I expected a resigned sigh and a rather unconvincing “Yeah, sure.” Instead I got an “I think we need to talk.” And then, through a rather mind scrambling conversation the famous break-up line. “The truth is, I’ve realized that I love my tractor more than I like you.” Now, I know that wasn’t the real reason, it was a manifestation of whatever really bothered him…whatever that was.

2. More recently I asked a very good friend to help me out. I needed a distraction. I needed a laugh. I needed a friend. He said yes, then cancelled (via text) an hour after he planned to stop by. It’s been a week and not a word. And you know why? Because I asked in that moment of emotional turmoil for the same thing I have given him many times over – a little support. But he cannot give support. It is his weakness and I hadn’t realized it until I’d asked the question and he ran for the hills.

So here is my question (for the universe, for you): If I am told that I am too strong, too capable, too confident, too independent…If I attempt to not count solely upon myself and show a bit of vulnerability by asking for assistance or support or reassurance in response…And for that I am rewarded by the male of the species running or doing the typical manly “no” (not responding at all)…or worse…Then what have I learned? How am I softer or more open?

What does the data show?

The data shows that the men closest to me – my friends, my family, my love interests – cannot be trusted with a piece of my heart so why should I trust in someone I barely know?

You don’t actually have to answer the question. I’ve been wracking my brains for years regarding it and still don’t have the answer.

When the whale calls

I love my apartment and the little town I now call home. I am deeply satisfied that my friends are so close and we get the chance to chit-chat and laugh so often.

I am enamoured by the local hardware store that gave me six nails for free (I was hanging paintings) because, as the very nice man who helped me said, “Seriously? It’ll cost me more to ring them up than what I’d change.”

I am enchanted by the delicious and decadent concoctions the general store around the corner creates. I mean, Big Mac Pizza? Yum.

What I am not so thrilled with is the low, off-key singing of my neighbor. He (or she – it’s up for debate) sings a nightly concert, without fail, around 8:30 pm. The duration is unpredictable – the constancy is not. Nothing can completely drown out the muffled whale call. Music, movies – all fail.

Is this person chanting? Are they a professional musician? In the shower? Is it some sort of mating call? I’d honestly rather not know the answer.

The strangest part in this mystery is that I hear nothing else from the neighbors. No talking, no loud tv, nothing but the discordant tones of the whale.