Continental divide

Let me just preface this piece with a request and a warning wrapped up into one: To any man that I may know who is looking at this post, please avert your eyes and go read something else. Seriously, this in not a joke you do not want to know what goes through a woman’s mind. It will be like looking into the greatest horror of your life, the image seared into your brain. Shoo, vamoose, adios, bah-bye…

There, now that that’s out of the way onto the story…

I’ve always said that God gave me three great attributes: my hair, my tits and my eyes. Though my hair is turning ever-so-slightly gray it’s still fantastic: thick and wavy, big and beautiful. My eyes, green one day, blue the next are ever changing and intriguing (I’ll admit to that). My tits were at one time voluptuous and inviting and well, just out there to a point where I would get scolded for filling out a button down shirt. But those beauties have begun the slowest escape ever – their destination: my belly button.

I remember sitting in the tub on my thirtieth birthday and wondering what had happened? At thirty-four, the denial and wonder have leeched out, replaced by a daily mourning for the boobs that once were – the good old days of pert and perky. They have shrunk, they have fallen, they have become an old lady’s rack.

I have vowed never to take off my bra again no matter who begs to see them.

Really, I’m doing the world a service, who knows when one may decide to flap over my shoulder and poke a person’s eye out? Or swing like a pendulum and knock over a priceless vase? A bra keeps everyone safe and maintains the illusion that I still have a great set of gonzogas and I’m fine living within that alternate universe.

I pray that one of two things happens in my life: 1) that I meet an amazing man before they’ve reached my midsection or 2) I scrounge up either enough cash or enough courage to get a breast lift. But those are prayers and daydreams and the reality is that I just have to accept that my breasts are deflating and my ass is beginning to sag too (great, I hadn’t thought of that before now) and embrace the inevitable aging process with humor and grace…

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1 Comment

Filed under Day to day

One response to “Continental divide

  1. Pingback: It just hit me…I’m getting old | The New Farmer's Blog

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