Surrender

I went for a walk today in a field. The fact that I hadn’t planned on walking in a field was lost on the inner force determining my direction. Whatever driving me didn’t care that I had on cute pink slip-ons and no socks rather than practical, sturdy shoes. It didn’t care that I’d planned on a quick stroll down the road rather than a more involved trek through dead grass, dried mud and who-knows-what else. Nope, something in me thought that this was a good idea…and I think maybe it was right.

I love to walk the length of our fields. You start out thinking the end is so close, but about 100 feet in you realize that the tree line is much farther away (like a half mile farther), yet you keep on going. From up there, things are quiet and everything else seems removed from where you are. Alone in the field, you are surrounded by the foothills, the bugs, the dirt – by the real world.

As I walked steadily on a relatively even path, my head down as I looked out for divots, uneven spots and, yes, poop, I fell into a steady rhythm a soft crunch, crunch breaking the silence and filling my thoughts. I looked up to see the tree line come closer and closer and considered where I am in my journey right now.This month has been a flurry of emotion, travel and change. I have felt myself shaken again and again…I feel like I’m playing pin the tail on the donkey – blind folded and turned around and kind of queasy because of it. The slow and steady, completely familiar, comfortable…manageable… walk I’d been on has turned into something else and every time I get adjusted to the new terrain it changes, swiftly and decidedly.

I’m running down a steep hill on the verge of being out of control and there is something big rolling along. I can’t figure out though if I’m chasing after that thing or running away from it. Either way, I have to keep moving because that’s all I can do. Sometimes you just have to surrender. Sometimes there is a thing inside you that knows more than you do and it’s better to go with the course it sets than to try and gain back control…because what is there to control? You can’t control your heart, your emotions, your opportunities. You can’t control life, so why do we try so hard to do just that?

I need to learn how to let go and allow life to happen. I need to learn to accept the things, the people and situations, that come in and out of my world at whatever pace they may come even if, like now, it is at a head-spinning pace. I need to learn how to surrender every once-in-a-while and enjoy the journey I hadn’t expected to take even if it means ruining my cute pink shoes and smelling a little like poop at the end.

Today, I had a few minutes of peace in an otherwise chaotic week. I was able to let the world and the changes fall away and enjoy the sunshine, the rushing creek, the new grass, the singing birds and the occasional smell of new life mixed in with decay as spring comes as winter fades and I move ahead no matter what.

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5 Comments

Filed under Basics, Day to day

5 responses to “Surrender

  1. I really liked your post and I related deeply, especially to the part about letting to. This is something I’ve been working on for the past few years. I think you may relate to this post: http://theawakenedlife.wordpress.com/2011/03/23/swimming-upstream/

  2. Woops, I meant “letting go”.

  3. Thanks so much for the note. Your post was very similar along the lines of what I’ve been going through lately and in the past few years. It’s so important to take the time to listen to, be alone with and become friends with yourself. The past few weeks have been on the opposite end of the spectrum where the world has been crashing into my little bubble and I’ve been forced to put what I’ve learned about myself to the test. I can control the bubble, but I can’t control the world and that’s where the letting go comes into practice.

  4. Sally Schwaller

    As I read Surrender I started to see the beautiful land you were writing about. I could feel the coolness of the breezes, the crunch of the dead grass the spring birds chirping, it was like I was right there taking a walk with you. Thank you Jen for the few minutes of feeling free.
    Love you,

  5. Pingback: Rhythm of the season | The New Farmer's Blog

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