I spent my first weekend at the farmer boy’s apartment. He did very well and did the two things I had requested – clean the bathroom and put fresh sheets on the bed – but I knew that the place would look more like a rest-stop than a place to rest and recharge. Case in point, his boots…the man has six pairs of barn boots strewn across the apartment like a maze, he calls it his “security system.”
And so, as I leave to go home for the week, here are a few thoughts on what is in store when you date a farmer:
- Be prepared for unexpected compliments like “You remind me of a show cow I once had…”
- Always make a meal that tastes just as good reheated in the microwave as it did three hours before when it came out of the oven – when you were supposed to have dinner.
- Brace yourself for dirty talk like “Man I stink! The manure spreader broke and I had to climb in and shovel everything out by hand.”
- And realize that suave isn’t a word in the farmer’s dictionary. Case in point “I’m as horny as a three legged billy goat.”
- When on a date, try to mix sex appeal with practicality – wear the high heals and park the barn boots in the back seat. You never know when a romantic night out may end with pulling a calf by moonlight.
- Assume that “you look funny” means “man, I love that blouse you spent an hour picking out.”
- Realize they think you look best in jeans, a pony tail and one of their dingy hoodies.
- That the farmers dating calendar (see previous post) is a rule not an exception.
- And the only time you’ll see them during planting is if you learn how to perch on the arm rest of your farmer boy’s tractor – No, that isn’t a euphemism for something naughty.
- When he doesn’t talk he’s tired. When he’s frustrated he doesn’t stop talking. Your job is to alternately fill in the gaps or nod your head.
- They talk in code – 4020 this, tedder that and shama lama ding dong – either you nod like you know what the hell they are talking about or you ask them. If you ask, be prepared for more code…sometimes it’s just easier to nod.
- Like all men they are clueless, you have to tell them why comparing you to a heifer or saying that you look funny isn’t the best option, especially if they feel like a three legged billy goat and are hoping for a roll in the hay.
- Unlike other men they will try not to repeat their past mistakes – but understand there is a minefield of farmer faux pas just waiting ahead and they will say something stupid.
- They will hold you closer and tighter and with more affection than any other man you’ve ever known.
- Rough hands make gentle work.