The journey and the driver

A few things have happened this last week that leave me wondering if there is some Providential force pulling strings. We all know people who seem to have followed their path as determined at the age of twelve. Sure, life’s thrown them a twist here, a bend there, but for the most part their lives are like I-95 from start to finish.

I am not one of those people. My journey has taken so many side roads, byways, highways and dirt paths that sometimes I have no clue what direction I’m going in…I get lost.

Lost and doubtful is where I was this week. I had a wonderful chat with a friend of mine from London. Her life is clear though always in a state of transition. Emily is, and always has been, a force of determination and adventure. To be that person you also have to be amazingly confident. Sure, she has her own moments of doubt, we all do, but in the end nothing gets in the way.

So, as we were chatting, I felt my own confidence and connection to my path fade away. I became increasingly embarrassed about the life I’m living. It was nothing Emily did or said, she’s not the sort of person to intentionally hurt anyone’s confidence (she’s just the opposite). It was all me. My doubts. My inability to reconcile the life I lead with the social norms of this world. I need to figure out a way to relay what I’m doing, the path I’m following, that relays a sense of empowerment…It’s all on me.

As I’m trying to figure this all out fate threw another whopper (or two) at me…Boys are a drug and I’d gone cold turkey…that is until both of them popped back into my life with no provocation on my part. I hope my emotional relapse will last till the end of the week and I get back on the wagon. I’ve already begun the recovery.

I now get to the driver part of the journey. Sometimes it is very clear that I am behind the wheel and sometimes not so much. Amidst all this internal doubt and emotional turmoil, I got a clear message that I am indeed on the right track. A note from a high school acquaintance whose kind words were all the encouragement I needed to regain focus.

Some people’s lives are like I-95 and other people get a little lost. But 95 is just highway, from Maine to Florida, nothing but highway. My path, though not as efficient, has been full of sea views, mountain ranges, roadside stands and  yes, farmland too.


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